Make No Mistake

The women in my family

Clean baby butts

Work, go to school, cook dinner

And study for final exams while everyone sleeps

Daughters, sisters, mothers and grandmothers cut from the same mold

They take care of their men

They make them wash the dishes and watch babies

While they eat pomegranate sorbet and watch The Bachelor 

Or something not-football on Netflix

Our strength and our legacy

Make no mistake

The wife I married, the daughters and granddaughters she raised

I stand in awe of every day

Breadcrumbs

These words 

Stream of consciousness soup really

Rarely chosen with care

Falling on thirsty ground

A lost soul trying to find

"the great forgotten language" *

For

"the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth." *

Uh-huh, I see you pointing 

To the "lost lane-end into heaven" *

And the shepherd who led you there

So--I tried to be a sheep--to babble things I didn't know

I found salving comfort in believing I was right

Protected

And loved--no matter what

But "the great forgotten language"

Of the forever lost and alone

Drew me again to a place I never left

Where I knew before I nestled in her womb

The "quiet desperation" **

That haunts us all (according to Thoreau) **

So, yeah--these words

I'll keep putting them down in the lost and found

Because somebody might need to know who I am

I do

These breadcrumbs to the deep dark core of my existence

(Not to find me out but to find me in)

No one has to read them

They're uncomfortable and nearly unconscionable

Yet I can't not write them down

Like Thomas Wolfe wrote Look Homeward Angel

Then You Can't go Home Again

(LOL)

They might not lead to where I want to go

Or anywhere at all 

As T.S. Eliot said:

"We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time." ***

So, yeah, that's all I want

Makes me feel less lost and alone

So putt'n deez words down Imma gonna keep

(Duh--)

*     From Look Homeward, Angel  by Thomas Wolfe

**   From Walden by Henry David Thoreau

*** From Little Gidding by T. S. Eliot

Vanna White

"Ok, Vanna White," she'd chide
While shutting all the cabinet doors 
I'm better at opening than shutting stuff
Like right now
The one I've been on and off with
Wants me to toss the one I've been helping
Don't want to shut either door
Just want to golf
And not be alone

Call your dad

Young captain

It's been 72 days

Since you talked to your dad

I know there's a war 

I know my morning's your night

I know there's a girl

I know I'm not 

#1 on your list

But I miss you

I always have

Since the day you 

Stepped off the boat

To report to that school

Where they made you

A leader of men

Even then I would call

And you'd answer

I knew your senior year

Flying back from the game

That time we had in Philidelphia

Or the night

We climbed to the roof

Dangled our legs over the ledge

Drank some beers

And watched the lights of The City

Our last fishing trip, too

I knew

Cat's in the Cradle *

Started playing in my head 

"When you coming home, son..." *

God--I love you

You're brother's at your momma's now

Coming to see his dad tomorrow

Wish you were here, too

My sons under this roof again

We'd have a time

You know we'd have a time

We always do

Just needed to talk

But it's 2:30 a.m. over there

So you know... wrote a poem

* "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry F. Chapin and Sandy Chapin

This Old House

Soon the sun will glow
Through the east facing blinds

I haven't worked in seven months
Yet I rise every day before him

And write a poem or two

The ceiling fan wabbles
Finches, sparrows and a cooing white-winged dove

Greet the dawn
Sweet morning music 
Best time for me
Should be waking up in cooler climes
Shoulda been coulda been woulda been
Gone by now
But for this old house
Drug from an extinct mining camp
Off the top of a mountain 
One that got scraped away 
And dumped across the highway
Miner's shack really
Bought it for about 
One year's teaching salary
In 1995
Kept all it's 100 year old doors
Crystal doorknobs and skeleton key locks
Stripped away the lath and plaster
Took out some walls, moved another
Replummed, rewired

Refinished wood floors 

Put down some maple 

Added on some rooms
And guarded it all with white pickets
This place has it's charm
Why I fought her to keep it
Quit my job in Vegas
Well--retired altogether 
So I could stay here
I don't know
Funny I am like that
Usually don't care
Pretty good at it
But this old house in this old town
I care 
Although right now I wish I were
Living in my rv somewhere north
Grand Tetons,Yellowstone, Glacier 
Somewhere cold 
Got my eldest daughter in Montana
But I'm here near my youngest
And her baby
Son just got back from Kuwait
He and my favorite daughter in law
Coming to visit from NY
Wants her dad over for barbeque Wednesday
Golfing, then dinner out and pub crawl Thursday
She's good to my son--good to everyone really
--she gets what she wants
I'll put a shine on the place

Marinate a prime rib for the smoker
Buy her tequila, his whiskey, some beer

And get a tee time

I'm glad

I could be snuggled up in the cold

On a pine scented morning

And be fishing before the sun hit the water

But no one would come see me

Guess I'd fight again

For this old house

Sun's beating the blinds

It's garbage day

Gotta drag out the bin

Two whole bags

Yet I pay more now than

When this old house was full

(Sigh)

You can take my house

you can take my truck

you can take my money

I don't give a f***

but you can't take away

what you can't break

you can't touch my heart

or the memories, anniversaries,

birthdays, holidays, or talks in the dark

you can't touch my heart

you can take my pension

take your alimony

take all you can get

but you can't touch me

I'll always be free

something in me

you never could hold

I'm just a restless

wandering soul

you got the best of me

I had to give

now all I wanna do

is live

We're still friends

Until the end

We'll help our kids

Raise our grand-kids

We'll toast the life

We had together

But we all know

It was time to go

Let the eight ball roll

I'll be back again

I don't know when

Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries

But until then

I'll be under the moon

Gazing up at the stars

Serenading the night

On an old guitar

Free as a bird

With a song in my heart

And the sun on my shoulder

One day dumber and one day older

Nothing but nothing

Before me

Nothing but you

Behind me

Not gone, not forgotten

Just far away as a bird can fly

That's all I wanna be

'til the day I die

So take my house

Take my truck

Take my money

I don't give a f___

You can't take

What you can't break

You can't hold

This wandering soul

Only the wind knows

Where I'll go

I'm wild and free

Like I want to be

Don't care what it cost

For me to be lost

Just gotta go

Wherever I roam

Like the buffalo

It's all my home

And in the end

I'd love you again

But I'm all air

And you're all ground

Your love held me there

Kept me far enough down

To have a family

Raise five beautiful kids

And when they were gone

You did what you did

Let go of your balloon on a string

Watched it sail away

Until you couldn't see

Does it still love you

It always will

Even as it disappears

Over the hill

So take my house

Take me truck

Take my money

I don't give a f___

You could take 

And you could break

All of me

Leilani Rose

Leilani Rose

Aquarius

Almost born on my birthday

Loves to smile

Makes people laugh

We weren't expecting you

Opened a card 

While I was golfing

"You're getting a new fishing buddy"

It said.

Well

Sometimes your grandpa 

Needs hit over the head

To understand somethng

Now 

Tears roll out of my eyes

Remembering that day

Leilani Rose

I love your momma so much

We weren't expecting her either

You're the best surprises I ever had

Your first birthday little momma

You're grandpa is so damn proud 

Proud of you 

And the one who had you

That I wrote down this poem

You're going to wear your birthday cake

Make all our faces light up 

Clap, wiggle, and shake to the music

Spread your joy the Lei Lei way

Just like you party everyday

And I can't wait to see you

In your little party dress

Looking too cute

Giving me a smile I can't resist

Going to play your favorite song

("Ain't Always the Cowboy")

On my guitar

Because "A tumbleweed heart chasing that wind. 

Goin too far, wherever that is."

Might be the kind of woman you become

A lot like your grandpa...

Not hoping you are or you aren't

Just know you'll have someone 

Who understands you 

And a pretty damn good fishing buddy.